Just like that, winter solstice day has passed, marking the demise of yet another year. This is good news. 2018 here in Olde Nagoyaland has been wholly unremarkable thus far (this isn't necessarily a negative - 'unremarkable' can be a very good thing). It's also an established fact that I despise the winter; now that we've touched bottom, the sun can't return fast enough. Once a fabled late riser, I have become a morning person in recent years. How that happened, I can't quite figure out. Well, I actually can, but that's grist for another mill.
Curious. Of late, I find myself at more of loss for anything to say than at perhaps any such juncture that I can clearly remember. On the cusp of my 53rd 12 month earthride, I'm actually somewhat... speechless. It's not that there's nothing that COULD be said. I've just started to realize the importance of perhaps saying less. A bit late in the game, but there it is.
Funny, coming from such a long, verbose line of prolific orators, talkers, bullshitters and loudmouths...
Taking stock of events in these precincts since the last winter's solstice, it was a rather more quiet year on just about every front. Deadbeat Nagoya continues to be what it is. No one's favourite destination. For now, that suits me fine. I've reached a willfully more reflective, solitary space over the last half decade. It's almost as if I've managed to crest a high ridge, and find a vantage point from which to pause and survey the road(s) travelled thus far. Along the way, there has been a fair deal of cutting ties, 'burning bridges', and learning to say, "NO". To be ever less concerned with how 'all of this' is perceived by 'the gallery' in other remote quarters. There was a time, not so long ago, when other's perceptions troubled me a great deal.
Whereas this sort of insular, self-imposed social, cultural and familial 'exile' might drive a lot of people mad, I actually find it almost liberating, for lack of a better term. I wasn't always like this. Or maybe I really was, and just spent a whole lot of time and energy pulling against it. Not too long ago, I couldn't surround myself with enough people. As if I was afraid to face 'me', or deliberately avoiding something. Seemingly starved for attention, affirmation, and recognition. Deferring to 'friends', to maintain favour. 'Popularity'. Funny how things can change, and the tables turn so completely in such a relatively short period of time.
Of course, It would be wrong to claim credit for reaching this particular space under my own steam entirely. The support and love of my darling wife has made a world of difference. Things that seemed far flung and unlikely just a few years ago now seem entirely possible. Or are simply present realities. That I have been blessed with her companionship, love and wisdom has been my greatest turn of good fortune. Needless to say, she's not a woeful native of Olde Nagoyaland, either.
Owing to this, I feel as if, finally, after a long, long while...I've found my way back to myself. To a clearer, more purposeful place.
It's been a hell of a trek, this half-century and change. At this point, not everyone is lucky enough to be granted an opportunity to get re-acquainted with themselves, survey the roads taken, consider the lessons learned... and mull not only the small victories, but the abundant losses. Then take inventory, to see how it all adds up...and where it's pointing next.
After all, I'm not traveling solo anymore. A little more thought needs to be taken navigating the next legs of the journey. Poor choices no longer rain their consequences down on me alone.
I'll try to be mindful of the road ahead, instead of dwelling on the paths already taken...and, most importantly, remember that where I stand just now is everything. The only place that matters. The only place that is real.
And that would be here, in Olde Nagoyaland - for now anyways. No one's favourite town. Deadbeats, losers and all.
To anyone that's dropped by over the last year, or stuck it out this far, and spent a few minutes with me hereon, a very happy solstice period holiday, and a prosperous and fortunate Happy New Year.
See you when the winter breaks. Oh - and remember...
"No matter where you go...THERE you are".
