It was just around sunset when Mina got home. I've been to several funerals out here over the years, and things typically move pretty fast...unlike in the west, where it may take ten days (or more) before anything happens. For all I knew, we'd have to suit up and be at the designated ceremony hall for the tsuya (Japanese wake) by 7:00 pm.
Of course, we'd have to wait to hear more from Mayumi on what they were planning to do. I expected Mina would be on the phone with her in fairly short order.
I'd heard rumblings that deceased coronavirus patients were being fast-tracked to the crematorium, instead of dressed up, dry-iced, and trucked out to their respective funeral venues...and that more minimalist services were being held with boxed up cremated remains as the centerpiece, instead of having the corpses concerned front and centre, as is customary.
It seems that COVID cadavers can spread the virus almost effectively as the living.
In some cases, traditional services are being forgone all together, particularly in situations where the bulk of the mourners are well into their senior years, infirm, and particularly vulnerable. The social aspect of these ceremonies creates a near perfect vector for the spread of this virus. The last thing anyone wants is one funeral service to spawn a half dozen more a few weeks down the road.
Often times, within mere hours of having received the news of a death, you'll find yourself in a black suit, in some generic 'ceremony hall', dealing with random groups of bereaved people, navigating a veritable gauntlet of over-the-top situational etiquettes and formalities. At the culmination of all of this, it'll be your turn to stand in front of the cadaver of the quite recently deceased party, under no small amount of pressure to get on with it, and say your 'last goodbyes' - so that the people behind you can take their turn. And so on. It's quite surreal.
For the uninitiated, it can all be pretty overwhelming. The natives are real sticklers for detail when it comes to this stuff. Everything has to be 'just so'.
It's quite odd. In their daily lives, the vast majority of Japanese are not religious at all; in fact, most of them seem to pride themselves on having cultivated a near total ignorance of what any of it actually means. If they weren't so utterly laissez-faire, it may even be fair to call them 'default atheists'. Bring on a formal event with even slightly religious overtones, (like a wedding, funeral, Obon, or Japanese New Year) though... and they're suddenly all in, lining up to pray, and going through the motions like a crack team of well practiced and rehearsed pros...strikingly similar to a gaggle of odd, juxtaposed synchronized swimmers.
It's like the showpiece 'Christian Chapel' wedding performances that have become ubiquitous components of contemporary Japanese matrimonial proceedings. The natives seem enamoured with superficiality and artifice. Pageant, if you will. Playing 'dress-up and pretend'. They don't think twice about ensemble bowing and praying, and following along with arcane rituals they know nothing about, simply for the sake of appearances. If asked why they are doing this or that, the likely response will invariably be, 'because everyone else is'... followed by a slight shrug, and a little self-conscious laugh.
Christmas is another prime example of this. Shiny things, sentimentality, and artifice hit these people where they live. If it involves dressing up, grouping, and going through the motions as a unit, they all want a piece of the action. Add some sweets, photo ops, and a little bit of silly music they can all sing along to, and they can't resist. As long as it's timely, looks good, and can be done as a group, none of them could care less what any of it means.
As for the ososhiki (funeral) business, It's all too much for me. I need a little more than a few hours to absorb the news of someone's passing, and wrap my head around what's happened... before being thrust into dealing with all of the nit-picky, finicky politics of a traditional Japanese Buddhist wake and funeral. While I do take an interest in aspects of the local history, culture and traditions, I haven't been indoctrinated into the native's religious business by any stretch of the imagination. At these affairs, I simply keep my eyes open, watch what everyone else does, then follow Mina's lead and try to play along as best I can. I doubt the other attendees are impressed. I make mistakes. I'm awkward and imperfect. The proverbial 'square peg' angling at the 'round hole'. It's painful; but I at least attempt it out of respect for her. Not because I believe in or subscribe to any of it.
It's all nonsense.
At points in these ceremonies, I don't know whether I want to cry, scream, or simply turn tail and take flight. Any 'outsider' who has been to one of these affairs will know exactly what I'm talking about.
Truth be told, Mina doesn't buy into any of it, either. She's simply obligated to play along, and go through the motions out of respect for her family. I suspect that this is a pretty common story.
Now add COVID to the mix. The invisible, mysterious assassin du jour...lurking malevolently behind everything. Mayumi and all but one of her extended family unit had been down with the virus just a few weeks ago. While they had all passed the so-called critical 'ten day' mark, and were no longer considered particularly infectious (by whom?), none of them had actually taken a second PCR test, or been officially confirmed negative...
I was starting to stress out. I'm a male in my fifties, and have chronic asthma. This makes me a bit more vulnerable to bad things. Were I to be careless, or simply unlucky, the consequences could be severe. These types of ceremonies can be risky affairs, and have to be conducted with the upmost care. Word has been out about this for months.
Jesus. What were we in for?
Mina put her bags down on the living room floor, and we embraced. It was one of those odd moments where there are no words. She sat down on the couch with a box of tissues and proceeded to get it out of her system. Oddly, I couldn't summon up a single tear. I just stood there...trying to process the whole situation. I was stuck on this image of my brother-in-law sitting across the table from me at Mina's Mum's house last New Year's Eve, drinking a can of Asahi Super Dry (one of many), eating potato chips and chuckling under his breath at something or other on Japanese TV. I knew him as a soft spoken, good natured type of guy. We didn't really have anything in common...except a fondness for beer. Good enough. It seemed like yesterday. Fast forward nine months. Neither of us had even remotely expected that this was what we'd be grappling with on Sept. 17th, 2020. It seemed unreal. The fragility and transience of life.
Maybe we'd been in denial, fooling ourselves with optimism.
"He's come this far....he's a fighter...he'll make it...", and so on.
After all, this type of thing doesn't happen to our family. It's just stuff that we see on the news.
Stuff that happens to OTHER PEOPLE.
Yet...here we were, looking at each other, both thinking that it could have easily been us, not them. This fucking virus
had come so close. Too close.
I stood fidgeting at the edge of the kitchen table.
Mina's phone rang. It was Mayumi. I went to the front office to fiddle around on the computer, and left them to it. They talked for about ten minutes. When I went back to the living room, Mina was sitting on the couch, dabbing at her eyes with some tissue.
"What happened?"
"I couldn't ask Mayumi in detail. She said that the doctor told her that he'd had another episode of massive internal bleeding, like the one last week. They couldn't rescue him. It also looked like he'd had a cerebral infarction. She didn't tell me in detail, and I couldn't ask her, of course..."
There were a lot of gaps here. A cerebral infarction (stroke)? When? And why hadn't he ever regained consciousness? This wasn't adding up. If Mayumi knew more, she wasn't telling us.
Apparently, she was satisfied with the attending physician's explanation of events, trusted his take on the situation, and ultimately thanked him and the staff at the Red Cross Hospital for all of their efforts.
So...that was it.
Case closed.
I wanted more answers. The fact of the matter is that we're never going to get any.
I couldn't help but feel that this all could have been avoided. I wanted to apportion blame.
I still feel that their local GP - the one who had initially diagnosed them with 'summer colds', and sent them on their way back at the beginning of August - had dropped the ball in a big way. Why wouldn't he have recommended PCR tests, just to be sure? They were both obviously suffering from symptoms consistent with COVID. Was it a matter of pride? Laziness? Under normal circumstances, it seems that lot of these private practice GP's are used to processing patients with fast and easy diagnoses to turn a quick profit. Given the obvious situation, even if he had legitimately thought that they simply had 'summer colds', I can't make sense of why he wouldn't have felt any professional obligation to exercise an abundance of caution, and get them tested - just to be certain... before things got so far out of hand.
It would ultimately be up to Mayumi to pursue this. While she had mentioned something to effect of 'not visiting there again' to Mina, it seems highly unlikely she'll take it any further.
Were it anywhere else, I could see him being sued for negligence and malpractice. Litigation is not a big thing over here, though. The Japanese dislike confrontation.
"So...what now? What's next?"
"The doctor told Mayumi that a normal ososhiki (funeral) will be fine (!); that, as (her husband) had been PCR tested negative twice, there should be no problem. She also said that if you guys are worried about safety, and don't want to go, it's alright. Okasan won't be there, either. The priest will drive in from Shiga. He offered to pick Okasan up and bring her; but Mayumi said 'no'. It's a good thing he didn't call Okasan first, as she would have been shocked. Of course, she still doesn't know anything about any of this. Mayumi said that she wants me to talk to Okasan, and tell her what's happened..."
Oh God. That's right. Mum had no idea. I mean...she had hinted that she felt something was 'odd', as Mayumi had been rather conspicuously incommunicado since the end of July...but we'd held up our end of the bargain, and kept our mouths shut. Why couldn't Mayumi just call Okasan, and come clean? Why did she have to shovel this off on to Mina, too? We'd been made unwilling participants in this whole deception thing from the start. It didn't seem right.
As far as 'not going'....honestly tempting...but finally, not an option. There was no way that Mina could avoid going. This was her immediate family. In turn, I had to go to support Mina. As her husband, not making an appearance would not go down well. Down the road, when all of this COVID business is just tragic history, if I 'didn't go', it would definitely be remembered. While I don't actually give a shit what they think of me; it would reflect badly on Mina, and she'd have to live with it. I couldn't deal with that.
"How about the wake? What should we do?"
"Today is a tomobiki day*. It's not good for holding a wake or funeral service. The tsuya will be held tomorrow evening, and the formal ososhiki (funeral) will be on Saturday.
*(According to local superstition, events of importance (like weddings and funerals) are scheduled around various 'lucky' or 'un-lucky' days. Some days are considered more auspicious than others, based on the old six-day Chinese lunar cycle; in particular, the second day of said cycle (called 'tomobiki') is understood to mean "pulling your friends along with you" < 'tomo' = 'friends', 'hiku' = pull > , thus making a 'tomobiki day' ideal for an event like a wedding, but understandably bad for a funeral)
That was a bit of a relief. We were to be afforded a day to try to come to grips with this whole heartbreaking mess.
The more I thought about the whole thing, the more freaked out I started getting.
"So, the body will be there. That's not good. None of Mayumi's group have tested negative, either. This is all sounding pretty dodgy. I thought there would at least be a cremation first, to keep everyone safe..."
"The doctor said that he tested negative twice. 'Maybe'... it's OK. Like I told you, Mayumi said that we don't have to go. I should go, but you don't have to. Okasan won't be there, either..."
"What she says, and the reality of it are two different things. Think of how bad it will look if I don't go. She'll never forgive that. You know her. I hate that we even have to have this conversation. Of course I want to pay my respects. It shouldn't even be a question...but look around. Look what's happening. I'm actually scared. I don't want to offend anyone; but I don't want to get involved in a situation that we can't get out of. Before you know it, we're going to be herded into one of those eating and socializing things. Everyone will be crowded together - unmasked, eating, drinking and yapping in each other's faces. You know how things go at tsuya and soshiki over here. There's always that business. Under normal circumstances it's fine...but nothing about these circumstances is normal..."
"I know...but what can we do? I'll tell her that we don't want to join any group meals. I'm sure she won't plan anything like that, anyways. She knows it's a pandemic. Hopefully they'll just give out some bento or maki sushi boxes like we got after (Mayumi's husband's) mother's funeral. We can bring them back. Don't worry so much!"
"I feel so bad about all of this...but we need to be careful. You know how dangerous these group situations are. If either one of us picks this up, it'll be a total disaster. One dead family member is enough. If we don't take care, and advocate for ourselves, nobody will ..."
"I'll tell her when I talk to her later..."
"I want to do the right thing. That's all."
She nodded in agreement.
We would go and do our best, but respectfully decline any group dining options.
She was back on the phone with Mayumi. I was more than a bit surprised to learn that she actually had gone ahead and planned to host a group dinner after the tsuya service...flying in the face of all the current safety recommendations. Why on earth would she do that?
Of course, it's normal, standard practice after a tsuya...but in light of the current situation, was it appropriate? Mina told her that 'for safety reasons', we wouldn't be partaking in the planned meal. We would be there for the formal wake service, then excuse ourselves. Mayumi said that she understood. No doubt she reckoned that I was the one being the wet blanket.
I hate being put in this position. It looks like I'm the problem. The 'bad guy'.
I had been right to suspect that she would plan something like this. If I hadn't raised my concerns, and Mina hadn't called her to find out exactly what she had in mind, we'd find ourselves in much more uncomfortable situation after the ceremony...having to find a way to tactfully decline sitting down to a dinner that she'd ordered and paid for in advance.
At her husband's wake.
What would we say?
"Sorry, but this is a bad idea, and for all we know you guys are still infectious"? Jesus.
I ran a bath, and went about getting that left over stir fry stuff going. Clouds of grief and loss were hanging pretty heavy over our humble home. I could tell that this was all particularly hard on Mina. She'd known him for over half of her life, and had spent a lot of time with Mayumi's family in her early twenties, when she had first arrived in Nagoya. As for me, I'd only known him in the most superficial sense.
I was more than a bit surprised when, at dinner, she offhandedly announced that she intended to go to work in the morning.
"Are you kidding me? You have more than enough paid sick days. A member of the family just died. Take a day. Please. We have to get ready for these ceremonies tomorrow, anyways..."
"The tsuya isn't until evening. What shall I do if I take the day off? I can still work"
"You can grieve. It's OK to grieve. Give yourself some time. Sleep a little. Put your soshiki outfit together. There's always a million things to do before a funeral...it's a stressful thing"
I could see that she was struggling with this. It looked like part of her wanted to listen to me, while part wanted to embrace what I can only guess is what they consider their Yamato-damashii (traditional Japanese spirit) - a sort of culturally endorsed default position they resort to under pressure or duress. To me, this archaic term has always left a bad taste. It represents a kind of self-perceived exceptionalism. Pride. A stubborn obstinance in the face of perceived adversity. It positively reeks of the very worst kind of nationalistic mindset. It's been drilled into them from childhood as some kind of romantic concept; one that embodies strength and will power, along with the virtues of hard work, and persistence. The most noble of attributes.
The 'samurai spirit', if you will.
It's nonsense.
At worst, it's an avenue to self harm.
When someone close to you passes, it's OK to take pause. To respect their memory, through respecting yourself.
Perhaps she was concerned about aggravating her prickly and unpredictable boss at the hospital - a moody, hard boiled and contradictory woman almost a decade-and-a-half her junior. Hard to say.
In Japan, matters of 'Kibikikuya' (bereavement leave) aren't covered by The Labour Standards Law, but exist in a sort of grey area, subject to whatever the relevant school or company's policy is regarding granting time off for mourning (Kibiki). This is differs from 'Keichokyuka' (a condolence leave granted for the purpose of attending a funeral)...though both short term leaves of absence are essentially concurrent. In the worst case, it's conceivable that a 'lesser' (read: shitty) company/organization might deny an employee's request for 'Kibiki leave', though grudgingly grant permission for the following 'Keicho leave', so that the party in question may attend the funeral (a right stipulated by the aforementioned Labour Standards Law)...but get no additional time off 'to mourn'.
Further complicating matters was the fact that the deceased is an 'in-law'...and there are no clear guidelines regarding what the 'correct' Kibiki entitlement is for 'in-laws', as opposed to 'proper family' (for example, the death of a spouse should entitle you to ten days bereavement leave, while the death of a spouse's grandparents can get you one day off...etc.). According to a chart of standard recommendations, the closest facsimile to a sibling's spouse might be 'a spouse's brother or sister' - which would entitle the bereaved party to one day Kibiki. When my Mum died, my wife got one day Kibiki...though the (linked) chart of standard recommendations stipulates three days as the appropriate Kibiki period for the passing of a spouse's parents - meaning Mina's employer's rather spartan interpretation of these recommendations falls somewhat short of what is recognized as 'standard'.
In other words, it's a slippery slope. A lot depends on the house rules of the organization in question, and what kind of person your supervisor is (!). As with so many things over here, whether or not you can finally get the day off ends up being yet another 'case-by-case' matter...and the number of obstacles you'll need to clear to get there might simply discourage a lot of people from even bothering - meaning they'd ultimately just suck it up, and go to work anyways.
While I essentially disagree with giving in, and going head down, quietly into the night, I could understand where Mina was coming from. Nothing is easy in this country. The powers that be will make you jump through flaming hoops and fight tooth and nail for the smallest, most basic things. Every. Single. Time. I guess the mindset over here is that 'nothing worthwhile comes without struggle', or some such horseshit. At the end of the road, IF you succeed in finally securing your basic right to that measly additional day off to prepare for the funeral, you'd best REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
They'll never let you forget about it, either.
Viva Yamato-damashii!
I guess.
By the time dinner had been sorted and cleared, it was nearly 9pm. We were both spent, and all I wanted at that point was an hour or so of streaming escapism, and bed...but there was one more hurtle to clear. Okasan's 9pm check in LINE video call. Mina had been tasked with being the harbinger of this tragic news...at which point our complicity in the ongoing deception would be apparent. I had no idea how Okasan would react. Were it my Mum, I expect she'd be furious that this had been kept from her. The shit would hit the fan.
We were both dreading her call.
Like clockwork, the LINE call chime on Mina's phone sounded at 9 pm.
"Konban wa!" (Good evening!)
Okasan's distinct, gravelly voice. She had been in good spirits recently...laughing and clowning with the video effector on the Huawei tablet my wife had sent her. Mina angled her into the bad news with tremendous skill. Mum's low key reaction kind of took me aback.
"Ah...I had the feeling something was up...."
Of course she had. She's nobody's fool. She had been gently probing Mina about why Mayumi hadn't called her since mid-August. I guess she hadn't wanted to push it too aggressively. Someone once told me, 'Never ask questions that you don't really want the answers to'. Indeed. Now the ruse was up. Mina laid it all out. There was no crying. A light tone of concern from Okasan; but no apparent judgement. She understood our request that she stay away from the memorial services 'for safety's sake', and agreed to co-operate. That in itself elicited a collective sigh of relief. I half expected her to kick up a stink and force the issue...and that we would have to drive out to Shiga, then worry about keeping her safe for the duration. Regarding the deception...I guess this type of thing is alright over here. She seemed to accept the situation, without protest. Very odd. No matter how long I've been here, certain things about this place and it's people still surprise me.
No more secrets and pretending. It was a relief. Exhausted, it was clearly time to pack it in, and call it a night...but there was one more thing.
Around 9:30 pm, after having agonized and mulled it over, Mina finally relented and decided to call her boss and request the day off. Her boss's response? She said that she had 'assumed' that Mina would be taking the day off when she let her go home 'on time' that evening (though she hadn't vocalized or stated anything to that effect directly to Mina when she left), so it 'wasn't an issue'. Perhaps Mina was supposed to read her mind? More likely, it appeared that she was playing some kind of game to see if Mina would actually feel obliged to go in, and forgo making the request - which she very nearly did. She would get out of having to give a paid day off, and score points with her superiors.
Recently, the evil main boss nurse seems to have been exerting some pressure on her lackeys to do their upmost to grant staff requests for their allotted paid days off with extreme prejudice - or deny them outright - no doubt to maximize hospital profits, and squeeze even more work out of them. Mina's section boss seems to enjoy enforcing this new policy, and using it to bully and manipulate her staff. Gas-lighting, game playing and mental violence seems to be her specialty.
The good news was that Mina would not need to go in to work until Monday. Pity we wouldn't be 'enjoying' this rare windfall of days off. Now all she had to worry about was getting ready for the Friday evening tsuya, and the following day's ososhiki. It would soon become apparent that taking the day off had been the right move.
'Silver Week' was off to an auspicious start.
We were up with the sun on Friday morning.
Mayumi was on and off the phone all morning. Apparently when she had called her late husband's older brother to break the news, and inform him of the memorial location and schedules, he had wasted no time launching into a tirade, and blaming her for his brother's demise. Unbelievable. There had been a long history of conflict and unpleasantness there, and the brothers hadn't seen eye-to-eye on anything...but to attack a woman who had just lost her husband to a pandemic virus? What an absolute douchebag. I'm sure Mayumi wanted to rescind the invitation right then; but she sucked it up.
I guess she took comfort in the fact that this would be the last that she would ever have to see of him and his odious wife.
When Mina went through the closet to get her funeral stuff together, it seemed that her black leather 'ososhiki purse' had taken on some kind of funky, greasy sheen. I looked at it and said that I thought it would be fine, and 'nobody would notice it'...but she couldn't be patient. We'd need to go out to the local AEON Mall to find a replacement.
As for me, all I had to do was put on the dark suit and tie that I customarily wore to these funeral events, and go. Everything had been hanging in dry cleaner bags in the closet for the last two or three years. Since I set about losing my Fat Elvis weight six or seven years ago, my singular black suit seems to have become several sizes too big...but I just pull my mismatching leather belt (the suit belt seems to have disappeared) extra tight, and it works well enough. I should probably get something that fits a bit better; but fortunately I don't have that many opportunities to wear it, so it doesn't seem like that pressing a matter. Hopefully I wouldn't need to pull it out again for awhile. I guess I also harbour some kind of irrational fear that one day I'll wake up and suddenly be 40 kgs heavier...so I continue to hang on to all my old fat clothes. Just in case.
As we were getting ready to go out to Atsuta Aeon Mall to replace her purse, Mina stopped short after looking at the calendar on the living room sideboard.
"Oh, shit!"
"What's wrong?"
"Yesterday was Okasan's birthday! I totally forgot to say Happy Birthday when she called! All she got was miserable news!"
"Oops! You'd better give her a call before we go..."
Mina rang her up, and we wished her a slightly belated, but very happy 86th birthday. She laughed it off. It couldn't be helped.
Now she was waffling about wanting to be at the services here in Nagoya. Typical. Last night, she'd been fine with keeping a safe distance. Now she was concerned about 'appearances'. I suspect it had more to do with the priest being there. She seems concerned that procedures and etiquettes won't be properly observed if she's not involved. That Mayumi won't know the correct way to do things. Old people and religion. That shit is like a buglamp to them. Now she wanted to be right in the mix, up front and involved in everything. I was starting to understand Mayumi's motivation for keeping all of this a secret. She'd even floated the idea of not telling Okasan until the wake and funeral were finished.
Too late. She knew now.
Fortunately, the dye had already been cast. The priest had left, and there was no time for anyone to drive out to Shiga to ferry her in. She'd be sitting this one out. Safe and sound.
I wished we could sit it out, too.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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